Are you in your comfy chair with a cup of strong tea?  How was your day?  I’ve got lots to say and unfortunately very little of it is particularly fun, happy or positive.  I’m trying to find the right words and to put things in the right order.  I hope it all makes sense.

On Sunday, I had high hopes of breaking some fabulous news here at SSG.  I was going to observe the traditional first trimester silence because that’s what everyone does.  Somewhere around March 12 2011 I was going to climb a mountain and shout from its peak that baby SSG was on their way.

Just a warning, if you’ve no wish to read about fertility and pregnancy loss, now might be a good time to close the window and have a little look see at Net A Porter.  

The blog wouldn’t miss out.  There would be a photo of that first item of baby clothing.  There would also be paragraphs about the need for 2 prams each with different coloured sets of accessories to take into account the season and the family’s outfits of the day.  Then I would have discussed the pros and cons of various baby bags.  At this point, sensible readers (who quite possibly are parents themselves and have been there and done that) would have pointed out the folly of my multiple purchases.  I would have been talked out of many, many crazy purchases.  It’s amazing how many details of a newborn’s life you can plan online these days.  Amazing.

I’ve been on a roller coaster of emotions since Sunday’s positive home pregnancy test.  I’m  also sporting bruises in both arms from blood tests.  On the upside, I can fill a yellow topped specimen jar without spilling a drop and won’t even bat an eyelid at being told to fill my bladder to have ‘both’ kinds of ultrasound.  I’ve been to ED, I’ve been to a special clinic.  It’s different going to hospitals in a non work capacity.  I’ve cried on the phone to my male boss as I’ve told him some very personal information.

Unfortunately, nothing is simple about this loss.  I’ve lost the feeling of being pregnant but my blood tests aren’t reflecting this.  I’ve had an ultrasound that shows no embryo.  We don’t know if I’ve miscarried or if I’m having an ectopic pregnancy.  So I’ve gone from being pregnant to probably miscarrying to probably having an ectopic in 3 days.  That has got to be some kind of dubious record.

Emotionally, I’m floundering.  I’ve taken the day off work.  I’ve immersed myself in routine activities and hoping that the distraction of work this weekend will give me something concrete to do and manage and get me tired enough to sleep at night.  A miscarriage?  Yeah, I could move on from that and keep trying. The possibility of methotrexate and surgical intervention and then trying again possibly with ‘help’?  I’m just going to get out there and be melodramatic and pronounce myself Devastated.

I feel like a complete fool for getting so excited about being pregnant.  How perfect the timing was, the symbolism of that timing.  How blessed we were.  Then there are flashes of fear about what’s going to happen now and what the bloods mean.  Hope that it will happen is a very alien concept at the moment.  My advice to anyone in my position is to NOT google anything you’ve been told by your health care practitioners.  Especially if you have a preference for academic publications.  The facts are so much more frightening than the feelings which you know will lift eventually.

This whole experience has changed me and my perceptions of miscarriage.  Having been through one myself, I’ve discovered just how common they are.  I don’t know if this helps me at this point but it is helping me feel less of a failure and keeping those feelings of ‘this is a sign I’m just not meant to be a mother’ at bay.  For me, whenever bad things happen, I usually find some good in the situation and eventually come to see just how much I actually to have in all aspects of my life.  It’s a bit of  struggle with this situation though.  I’m just going to have to listen very hard to what God is trying to tell me about my life and have the faith to accept this.

The new gardenia and pot plant stand from Ikea.

In a bid to turn the day around, I decided to lose myself in the She Shed.  I’ve always been interested in the symbolism of trees being planted at official ceremonies.  I gave myself over to the orderly aisles of Ikea and found a plant stand and two new plants to add to our potted garden.  There’s nothing like an Allen key and a piece of Ikea furniture to take your mind of what’s troubling you.

Coincidentally, my new gardenia is a symbol of love, peace, healing and spirituality.  The baby peace lily symbolizes peace, love, serenity and trust.

I’ve thought long and hard about whether to publish this post.  I’ve previously said that I’ve avoided getting ‘too personal’, ‘over sharing’ and going on and on about my feelings in this blog.  However, what’s happening now is too much of my life to not discuss somewhere.  I think I’ve written this post ‘the right way’ for me and I hope you understand where I’m coming from.

I hope this post doesn’t rake up feelings you thought you’d ‘gotten over’ or at least ‘controlled’ if you’ve been in a similar predicament.  I also do not want this post to scare or upset anyone who is safely and healthily pregnant.

What I do hope to achieve with this post is to record this painful time for myself so that one day, I’ll be able to look back and marvel at how far I’ve come from this point.  Also, perhaps the comments section may be a good place for anyone who wishes to share their feelings and experiences on an anonymous level and hopefully get some sadness and fear out of their hearts.

Take care and I hope all is well in your world.